I don't expect you to understand...

Everyone lives their lives battling through various hells. Whether it’s a couple of juvenile delinquents robbing your innocence when you’re in grade one, having your asshole boyfriend toss you around for coming between him & his drugs, or having your best friend die in a car crash, we all tend to cope in one way or another. We often end frightened and alone with memories etched into our flesh, but we get through it. Sometimes we can manage to find some happiness in the eyes of our nieces or the embrace of our mother. Sometimes underneath the presented cool exterior is a big ugly monster whose wrenching smell was masked by the hell you were walking though. Only when you have fought off the delinquents and assholes does the monster present its self for what he actually is. After delightfully snacking on your heart for breakfast, the monster gnaws on your soul for lunch, and ends with your self-worth for dinner. While you are completely gutted, you tend to feel cold and empty. You wish to seclude yourself because you’re not like the others. You find yourself completing daily routines of “have tos” with lack of motivation and/or compassion. Like a tape worm, the monster consumes all pleasure and happiness that ever existed in your life. Sadness and anger is not sweet enough for the monsters palette, so he leaves it for you to survive on. Unlike a tapeworm, the monster cannot be destroyed. The doctors can feed it all kinds of pills; pills that can fuel the monster rather than killing him. He is living inside you forever. And while you and the monster are two totally different subjects, you are never without him. He does not define who you are, but he does rule your every emotion. I have gotten to know my monster quite well and have given him a name. His name is Bipolar. He has already devoured my heart and my soul.

I have walked though my hells and have come out alive, but my monster stands tall, bearing arms. Despite Bipolar’s unpredictable plan of attack, I will overpower him and I will not let him define who I am. I am Amanda; he is Bipolar; I will keep him straight. After all, if I can win the battle against molesters, abusers, and drugs, then I can live with my monster without letting him destroy me from the inside out.