I never thought it was possible, but I have actually cut myself off emotionally from the world. I do realize that depression can be seen as an emotion; for me it is a state of inappropriate emotional response to environmental, psychological, and/or psychological factors which is beyond my control. Either way, I do not feel things the way I used to. I tend to be emotionally flat. I guess we always wish for the ability to numb the painful feelings. However, the protective walls that have been built around me are not selective to the negatives.
Today was a real eye opener: I was walking in the snow, after conversations with two very helpful and kind people, on the day which I wrote the last academic exam of my Nursing degree which is four days before my 21st birthday... and I was miserable. My family is healthy; I’m soon to be an aunt (again) :-) ; my future is working it’s self out right before my eyes... and I am miserable.
I contribute my numbness to three things: my illness, myself, and my past experiences. When all are combined, I am a wreck. My medications (or lack thereof) have caused me to pretty much stop sleeping (I don’t really call 3 hrs a night sleep). In actual fact, getting diagnosed has sent me on a path of self discovery which target issues like these that I need to work on. And of course, everything cannot be blamed on external forces.
Though farfetched, I feel as though I have sent my brain to psychological boot camp over the past year and two months to toughen it up a little. My own mental conditioning was ultimately stimulated by my previous life experiences.
Without getting into detail, when something is taken from you (i.e. freedom, self worth, etc), you learn to live with it. You have vague memories of when you were allowed to be outgoing, to socialize, and to have an opinion. It is memories like having you count down the seconds to my birthday so you could be the first to greet me, still haunt me after the years; memories like that which still manage to cast a black cloud over the events any normal person would look forward to. It’s memories of having my hopes let down so many times that have taught me not to hope at all. I guess that my attempt to shelter myself from crushed dreams is parallel with my attempt to maintain any dignity I have left. I would rather command myself not to feel than place my soul in the hands of someone who does not respect the responsibility.
All of these issues have reflected on my social life. I have difficulty creating friendships and intimate relationships. I find it impossible to trust people and I always feel the need to defend myself. I also cannot be physically close to anyone and tend to try to give guys who show interest in me a reason to go away. I guess once you live by strict rules for a period of time, it is difficult to adapt to a broader, freer world.
I obviously have issues. But I’m working on them. Each and every day I get out of bed is a challenge; a challenge that I have succeeded until now and will continue to fight for the rest of my life. I have identified my issues, now all I need is time.
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